Meine Songs

    • Meine Songs

      Hey Leute! Ich will mal auf meiner Englisch-Text-Richtung-Rock-Genre schauen, ob ich das überhaupt richtig mache. Deshalb schriebe ich hier meine Songs rein, die ich auf Deutsch, und auf Englisch geschrieben habe. (Posten tu ich nur auf Englisch). Bitte bewerten und ggf. auf Fehler suchen, wenn ihr wollt :)
      Jetzt weiss ich nicht, wohni das gehört. Ins Fanworks oder eher doch hier? Bitte verschieben falls was falsch ist :) nun hier:

      Titel: This Was Never My World
      Geschrieben: 09. August 06

      You stay next to me,
      exactly in my shade,
      looked into my eyes,
      ready to shoot.
      The last tear ran over your cheeks,
      you heard the angels, they sang.

      This was never my world.
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.
      You don't see an escape route!
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.

      All thoughts pulled trough your brain,
      I saw you sweat on the forehead.
      You kill yourself to make everything pay,
      nobody begins to dig a grave for you.

      This was never my world.
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.
      You don't see an escape route!
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.

      Always and always, exactly the same prophesies dreams.
      Everywhere beautifully, many colored trees, into the infinity.
      But now only nightmares, and not the same liberty.
      I know what I miss, but only in this way, you release your soul.

      This was never my world.
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.
      You don't see an escape route!
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.

      This was never my world.
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.
      You don't see an escape route!
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.
      You take my angel ... away.

      ______________________________

      Titel: I Know
      Geschrieben: 21. August 06

      I know
      We were together, we loved the life.
      Mainly I loved however you,
      you and your sympathy.
      But already soon I have experienced that…

      I know I don't love you too.
      I know you try tried to try.
      I attempt it too, but I know …

      I know I don't love you too.
      I know you try tried to try.
      I attempt it too, but I know …

      I know
      Already soon I fell in love with a new.
      Already soon it wound me around her finger.
      But I hate me, I want you,
      but nevertheless, my conscience mean myself that…

      I know I don't love you too.
      I know you try tried to try.
      I attempt it too, but I know …

      I know I don't love you too.
      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
      I know you try tried to try.
      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
      I attempt it too, but I know ...
      No more love....
      I know I don't love you too.
      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
      I know you try tried to try.
      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
      I attempt it too, but I know…
      No more love....
      I know… I know the love between you and me.
      I know your person, I know the danger.
      I know… I know the love. Between you and me.
      But I know the danger, I know your person.
      I know I don't love you too.
      Hand in hand, tongue around tongue.
      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
      I know you try tried to try.
      We loved ourselves, we were together.
      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
      I attempt it too, but I know
      You called me, I called off, because…
      Not more love....
      I know I don't love you too.
      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
      I know that you try tried to try.
      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
      I attempt it too, but I know
      No more love....

      ________________________

      Titel: Somewhere In Nowhere
      Geschrieben: 26. August 06

      Which world would this be,
      where it gives no girl, and no boy.
      Which would be this for a world,
      where light lies in the shade,
      and shade gives light.
      Where it, is cold when the sun shines,
      and if it looks away,
      it will be here thousands grades.

      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      We live isolated, and never die.
      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      All what applies here as beautiful will be ugly.
      Because we live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      This country belongs nobody.
      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      Somewhere in nowhere.

      Which world would this be,
      if nobody were paid,
      for the work, which he transacts.
      Which would be this for a world,
      If we don't have to pay
      for anything we want.
      Where it, if one loves somebody,
      one not only kiss somebody,
      but only always has sex sex sex.

      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      We live isolated, and never die.
      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      All what here applies as beatuful, it will be ugly.
      Because we live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      This country belongs nobody.
      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      Somewhere in nowhere.

      Somewhere - in nowhere.
      Everything operates. Everything distorted.
      That is everything what we count. Because we…

      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      We live isolated, and never die.
      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      All what here applies as beatuful, it will be ugly.
      Because we live here somewhere in nowhere.
      This country belongs nobody.
      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      Somewhere in nowhere.

      ________________________

      Titel: This Is Evolution
      Geschrieben: 26. August 06

      This is evolution.
      First the monkey, and the humans.
      And then the dead of the planet.
      This is evolution.
      First the dead of the humans.
      Then the atmosphere.
      This is evolution.
      First the stars.
      Then the largest one.
      This is evolution.
      First the universe.
      Then the infinity.

      I don't know exactly.
      But it will come.
      The evolution will run in such a way.
      Because this is evolution.
      Evolution in 20 years.
      This is evolution.
      First the monkey, and the humans.
      And then the dead of the planet.

      I don't know exactly.
      But it will come.
      The evolution will run in such a way.
      Because this is evolution.
      Evolution in 20 years.
      This is evolution.
      First the dead of the humans.
      Then the atmosphere.

      I don't know exactly.
      But it will come.
      The evolution will run in such a way.
      Because this is evolution.
      Evolution in 20 years.
      This is evolution.
      First the stars.
      Then the largest one.

      I don't know exactly.
      But it will come.
      The evolution will run in such a way.
      Because this is evolution.
      Evolution in 20 years.
      This is evolution.
      First the universe.
      Then the infinity.

      ________________________

      Titel: A life outwards your body
      Geschrieben: 27. August 06

      Telepathy? Spiritcling phenomena?
      The Lava's cold? Wind?
      Yes, exactly! Life without body.
      Without soul. Without flesh and without blood.
      Without soul, without flesh and without blood.

      A life outwards your body.
      A life outwards your body.
      So that you reach,
      you must die.
      Not with a cardiac infarct.
      Not with thousands knifepasses.
      And not with poison.

      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.
      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.
      A life outwards your body.
      Don't you dream about it?
      And would you like to reach it?
      So
      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.
      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.
      Take away your head. And your legs.
      Your fingers too, then the arms.
      Then the heart. Then your… *PIIIEP*
      A life outwards your body.
      Don't you dream about it?
      And would you like to reach it?
      So
      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.
      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.
      A parting is long no dead.
      But a death is a parting.
      So
      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.
      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.
      So
      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.
      Die!
      Die! Show your dead.

      ____________________

      Titel: Only A Small Place In Heart
      Geschrieben: 27. August 06

      I love you. I love you!
      You are the only one, the best.
      You are the most beautiful,
      you are the sweetest.
      You are pleasant, you are…

      You have a new boyfriend.
      You love him
      but you don't love me anymore.
      Why? Why?
      Did I have only at least
      a small… place in your heart?
      Why? Why?
      Did I have only at least
      a small… place in your heart?

      I look for you, I look for you.
      I search too behind the light.
      I look for you, I look for you.
      I search too under each stone.

      I love you ever more.
      But you rejects my love
      for you ever more. Thats hurt.

      You are with a new together.
      You love only more him,
      and not more me.
      Why? Why?
      Did I have only at least
      a small… place in your heart?
      Why? Why?
      Did I have only at least
      a small… place in your heart?

      I look for you, I look for you.
      I search too behind the light.
      I look for you, I look for you.
      I search too under each stone.

      I love you ever more.
      But you rejects my love
      for you ever more. Thats hurt.

      A small, only a small,
      place in your large heart.
      In your large heart.
      In your large heart. (Echo)
      In your large heart. (Echo)
      In your large heart. (Echo)

      _______________________

      Titel: Rock'n'Roll, Granny!
      Geschrieben: 27. August 06

      And now for all those,
      it the straight still create,
      to go to rise and sleep.
      For all those, they're too tired,
      To deseam teeth and to wash itself.
      I ask these, now to rise,
      I ask these to move their ass and
      with me to dance the dance.
      The dance of death.
      The dance for the oldys.
      The dance of the granny.
      Dance the Rock'n'Roll granny!

      naked legs highly, nacked arms.
      Naked belly, nacked face.
      Soon vomiting bones,
      soon stopping hearts.

      In high with you,
      dance the dance.
      The dance of death.
      The dance for the oldys.
      The dance of the granny.
      Dance the Rock'n'Roll granny!
      In high with you,
      dance the dance.
      The dance of death.
      The dance for the oldys.
      The dance of the granny.
      Dance the Rock'n'Roll granny!

      High with old asses,
      high with folds.
      A high on you,
      a high on wisdom.
      Long stories, short senses.

      In high with you,
      dance the dance.
      The dance of death.
      The dance for the oldys.
      The dance of the granny.
      Dance the Rock'n'Roll granny!
      In high with you,
      dance the dance.
      The dance of death.
      The dance for the oldys.
      The dance of the granny.
      Dance the Rock'n'Roll granny!

      (Bei diesem Lied habe ich viele fehler. Ich hatte nicht lange Zeit das zu überarbeiten. Trozdem :) )

      ___________________

      Titel: A Painfull Long Way From Hell
      Geschrieben: 29. August 06

      It's hot. I burn totally.
      I have red eyes,
      I have a red face.
      My hair burns.
      It burns my body.
      But I like this pain.
      I like this environment.
      I like my punishment.
      I like my retaliation.
      I like the devil to death.

      But I want to love again.
      I want have Sex again.
      I would like to divert me,
      but it is…
      A painful long way from hell.
      A painful long way from hell.

      I would like to live again.
      I want neither light
      still I want shade.

      But I want to love again.
      I want have Sex again.
      I would like to divert me,
      but it is…
      A painful long way from hell.
      A painful long way from hell.

      Here is only one Boss.
      Terranja. The devil.
      She's hot.
      She has a devil-like body and
      pulls each man
      into their spell…

      But I want to love again.
      I want have Sex again.
      I would like to divert me,
      but it is…
      A painful long way from hell.
      A painful long way from hell.
      But I want to love again.
      I want have Sex again.
      I would like to divert me,
      but it is…
      A painful long way from hell.
      A painful long way from hell

      _________________

      Titel: Kind to die
      Geschrieben: 29. August 06

      In the midst of the ocean.
      Either by cold weather,
      or by sharks.
      In the midst of Africa,
      in the hot desert.
      In the midst of Antarctics,
      in the cold desert.

      A measurer pass.
      No several!
      Small one, thousands
      Passes in the body.
      The head away,
      the heart peel off.

      Die. That is the kind to be died.
      The kind to be eaten and died.
      That is the kind to be died.
      Die.

      You are abused,
      your body used.
      You are mental disturbed,
      you have no longer time to live.
      Because…

      Die. That is the kind to be died.
      The kind to be eaten and died.
      That is the kind to be died.
      Die.

      You have Sex with someone.
      With someone which you do not know.
      Your partner has AIDS.
      You have no condoms so you must…

      Die. That is the kind to be died.
      The kind to be eaten and died.
      That is the kind to be died.
      Die.
      Die. That is the kind to be died.
      The kind to be eaten and died.
      That is the kind to be died.
      Die.


      --------------------

      Falls jemand etwas nicht versteht - einfach melden ;)
      Ich Danke euch für eure Hilfe.

    • Prinzipiell wirklich nicht schlecht, wenn du die selbst geschrieben hast, aber a) gehört das ins Fanworks und b) hast du teilweise ein paar böse Fehler drin, die mich ganz tief drin schmerzen. xD

      Ich zähle jetzt nicht jedes kleine Details auf, das würde mir echt zu lange dauern. :P Aber kurzgefasst: Manchmal wechselst du ohne Grund die Zeiten ("you heard the angels, they sing" - wieso sing? Nicht eher sang?) und Sachen wie "ready to shot" (bereit zu geschossen? oO) passen mir auch nicht so recht. Wenn schon "Ready to shoot" ^^

      "I attempt it also"...AUA! Wenn schon, I attempt it too.

      Generell hast du oft einen recht holprigen Grammatiksalat drin und den Inhalt raffe ich auch nicht hundertpro, dazu fragst du aber besser AstartusSavall, der hat im Texten Erfahrung, im Gegensatz zu mir. xD


      ..Klingt fies, ich weiß. ^^ Drum merke ich es nochmal an - trotz der Mäkel eigentlich recht beachtlich für dein Alter. ^^b


      (PS: An den nächsten Mod: Passt besser ins Fanworks, oder? ^^)


      (Ja, man kann draufklicken)

    • Original von Ulyaoth
      Prinzipiell wirklich nicht schlecht, wenn du die selbst geschrieben hast,

      Ja die hab ich alle selbst geschrieben =) (irgendwie merkt man das doch :ugly: )

      aber a) gehört das ins Fanworks und b) hast du teilweise ein paar böse Fehler drin, die mich ganz tief drin schmerzen. xD


      ohje :ugly: so schlimm xD ja hab mal die verbessert die du mir gesagt hast.

      Ich zähle jetzt nicht jedes kleine Details auf, das würde mir echt zu lange dauern. :P Aber kurzgefasst: Manchmal wechselst du ohne Grund die Zeiten ("you heard the angels, they sing" - wieso sing? Nicht eher sang?) und Sachen wie "ready to shot" (bereit zu geschossen? oO) passen mir auch nicht so recht. Wenn schon "Ready to shoot" ^^

      okay

      "I attempt it also"...AUA! Wenn schon, I attempt it too.

      okay :D

      Generell hast du oft einen recht holprigen Grammatiksalat drin und den Inhalt raffe ich auch nicht hundertpro, dazu fragst du aber besser AstartusSavall, der hat im Texten Erfahrung, im Gegensatz zu mir. xD

      okayhoch3

      ..Klingt fies, ich weiß. ^^ Drum merke ich es nochmal an - trotz der Mäkel eigentlich recht beachtlich für dein Alter. ^^b

      Genau das wünsche ich mir so kritik :p
      danke Ulyaoth

    • RE: Meine Songs

      Also ich schließe mich Ulyaoth an, teilweise wirklich gut. Aber verdammt viele Fehler drin, hauptsächlich in der Satzstellung, die du enorm dem Deutschen angepasst hast (aber so leicht läuft das im Englischen dann doch nicht ;) ). Deine Texte enthalten Fehler im Ausdruck, Satzbau und auch bei den Zeiten. Manche Dinge kann man mit einem Auge zugedrückt stehen lassen, wirkt aber unelegant und einiges sollte man so auch nicht ausdrücken. Ich verbessere nicht alles, da mir die Texte dazu jetzt zu lang sind, einige Tipps hätte ich trotzdem:

      Original von RPGLerner
      Hey Leute! Ich will mal auf meiner Englisch-Text-Richtung-Rock-Genre schauen, ob ich das überhaupt richtig mache. Deshalb schriebe ich hier meine Songs rein, die ich auf Deutsch, und auf Englisch geschrieben habe. (Posten tu ich nur auf Englisch). Bitte bewerten und ggf. auf Fehler suchen, wenn ihr wollt :)
      Jetzt weiss ich nicht, wohni das gehört. Ins Fanworks oder eher doch hier? Bitte verschieben falls was falsch ist :) nun hier:

      Titel: This Was Never My World
      Geschrieben: 09. August 06

      You stand before me,
      exactly in my shade,
      looked into my eyes,
      ready to shoot.
      The last tear ran over your cheeks,
      you heard the angels, they sang.


      You stand next to me
      Und du solltest dich für eine Zeit entscheiden: Gegenwart oder Vergangenheit, beides gemischt macht aber weniger Sinn :).

      This was never my world.
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.
      You don't see an escape way!
      You take my angel away!
      I thought at Jesus, nailed.


      "escape route" ist ein schickerer Ausdruck für Fluchtweg.

      All thoughts pulled trough your brain,
      I saw you sweat on the forehead.
      You kill yourself to make everything pay,
      it begin nobody for you to dig a grave.


      nobody begins to dig a grave for you.


      Titel: I Know That
      Geschrieben: 21. August 06



      I know that I don't love you too.
      I know that you try it to try.
      I attempt it too, but I know that…


      Aus der zweiten Zeile werde ich nicht schlau...vielleicht tried to try? Und "that" wüde ich weglassen. Wird nicht so oft verwendet wie unser "dass".


      Not more love....


      No more love.



      Hier sind einige Fehler (Bablfish verwendet? ;) )

      Titel: [B]Somewhere In Nowhere

      Geschrieben: 26. August 06

      Which would be this for a world,

      Ouch! -> Which world would this be.

      where it gives no girl, and no boy.

      -> where there are no girls and boys.

      Where it, if the sun shines,
      is cold, and if it looks away,
      it will be here thousands grades.


      Where it is cold when the sun shines,
      beim Rest verstehe ich die Aussage nicht.

      We live here somewhere, somewhere in nowhere.
      All what here applies as beatuful, it will be ugly.


      All what applies here as beautiful will be ugly.


      This country heard nobody.


      ?
      Meinst du gehören? (This country belongs to nobody)

      if we do not have to pay anything
      for what we want.


      If we don't have to pay for anything we want.

      Where it, if one loves oneself,
      one not only kiss oneself,
      but only always has sex sex sex.


      Diese Ausdrucksweise wäre im Deutschen richtig, aber der englische Satzbau unterscheidet sich schon von unserem und das würde man definitiv so nicht ausdrücken. Da musst du Alternativen finden.


      Titel: This Is Evolution
      Geschrieben: 26. August 06

      I don't know exactly.
      But I see it comes.



      it will come. (falls die Zukunft gemeint ist)

      Titel: A life outwards your body
      Geschrieben: 27. August 06

      Telepathie? Spiritcling phenomena?


      telepathy

      Killing on views?

      ?

      Without soul. Without meat and without blood.
      Without soul, without meat and without blood.


      Menschenfleisch drückt man besser mit "flesh" aus. Bei "meat" denkt man eher an das Fleisch in Steaks, Schnitzeln, Wurst...

      A life outward your body.


      ?


      So that you reach,
      you must die. But not normal.


      Macht für mich keinen Sinn.

      Your head must away.


      Falls du sagen willst "Dein Kopf muss weg" kannst du das so nicht ausdrücken.

      Your fingers too, then the teeth.

      Then the tongue. Then your… *PIIIEP*


      Die wären mit dem Kopf ja sowieso weg.


      A parting is long no dead.


      ?

      You are with a new together.


      Das kann so wirklich nicht ausdrücken.
      Mir fällt nichts anderes ein außer "You have a new boyfriend".

      You love only more him

      and not more me.

      You love him
      but you don't love me anymore.

      [...]

      Einige Texte finde ich von der Aussage her wirklich gut gelungen, vor allem dein drittes Lied. Beim letzten hat der grammatikalische Zustand leider die Aussage zerstört, zumindest kann ich leider nicht mehr nachvollziehen, was du aussagen willst. Fakt ist, dass du deine Texte noch überarbeiten und dich mehr mit englischen Satzbau befassen musst. Dabei kannst du dich leider nicht 100%ig an der deutschen Grammatik orientieren. Meine Empfehlung wäre, beim Erstellen der Texte die Rechtschreibung in Word stehts auf "Englisch(Großbritannien)" (oder je nachdem USA) zu stellen, das kann schonmal die gröbsten Fehler ausräumen.

      Ansonsten finde ich die Texte, wie gesagt, stellenweise wirklich gut! :)

      LG